WHY WE KILL WHAT WE LOVE

by Nicholas de Castella

Simply put: We make it difficult for people to love us
When we long for something it becomes a source of pain.
When we long for something (physical affection, recognition, appreciation... ) we
feel hunger, emptiness, powerlessness, inadequacy or fear which is very hard to
stay open and present with. Our tendency is to shut down on these feelings to
minimise the intensity. This shutting down causes the feelings to become more
uncomfortable and even painful. Pain is a measure of resistance.
Most of our longings have their origins from unmet needs in our childhood.
We all have basic development needs

In his book 'Getting the love you want' Harvel Hendrix states that to grow up
feeling healthy, happy and whole we need to have our basic developmental
needs satisfied. These needs are for such things as: affection, attention, praise,
appreciation, recognition and validation.

Our unmet childhood needs become a source of both longing and pain.
When I first started running seminars I got tremendous positive appreciation and
acknowledgment. This was quite difficult for me to accept and it triggered a deep
level of grief inside. I was born 3rd of seven children and was the good boy who
did the right thing. A number of my siblings had chronic asthma and other health
issues. My parents worked hard to give us all the very best start they could. I
tried not to be a burden and help out and in the process I missed out on getting
the attention I needed. When I finally got this recognition as an adult it triggered a
massive amount of pain and grief at not having got it as a child - It was both
beautiful and painful. (Fortunately I have got used to it now, so don't hold back!)

When our needs are met in adulthood it feels both beautiful and painful.
We have the strange mixture of being soothed and also the wound being
activated. For example if we were not touched in healthy respectful ways then we
have an unmet need dormant. When we do receive loving touch in our
subconscious we equate touch with pain.

We formed defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from feeling pain.
Unconsciously we set up patterns of behavior that deter others from giving us
what we want. We want them to participate more and then we criticises them
when they do. We want to be touched, but it is never quite the way we want it.
We want them to be more around, but when they are we don't engage with them.
We want them to talk more but when they do we interrupt and talk over them. We
want them to take greater control, but we don't want to surrender and be
vulnerable.

We blame 'them' for not giving us what we want and stay stuck as victims
Because all this is going on unconsciously we usually think that it is them that is
letting us down. It is said that we usually partner up with someone who is like our
parents, and if they are not like that then we behave in a way that gets them to
treat us like our parents did. We d this to try to complete our unresolved issues
from our childhood and finally get our needs met. Dad was critical and we find
ourselves being criticised by our partner. We are wanting to master the criticism
and get the praise and appreciation we didn't get, but unconsciously we are also
sabotaging it so that we do not have to feel the pain of the childhood wound.

Ownership is the pathway to love
Until we can see and accept our part in pushing away what we want we stay as a
powerless victim of the other. When we understand that we are blocking our
partner from giving us what we want then we can do something to change it. As
soon as we see the ways we stop our partner form giving us the love we want we
have taken a huge step to receiving it. Up until we see it it is an unconscious
pattern automatically playing itself out. Once we become aware of what is going
on we then have a choice whether to go down that road or not.

After choice comes experience.
Once we choose not to blame the other for our situation we can start to heal the
original cause of our pain and begin to organise to receive what we want.
Of course this means that when someone gives us what we want we are going to
connect in part with the unmet childhood need. There are going to be feelings
present with this experience. Feelings of fear of something new or unfamiliar and
probably some sadness at not getting this need supplied as a child.
The critical point of transformation is to open not close
If we want to heal this pattern we need to stay relaxed and open when the grief
from our childhood comes up. This is where Breathwork is so powerful.
Breathwork helps us to process the feelings in gentle and swift ways.

Our defenses are driven by our emotions
The defense mechanisms are driven by the intensity of emotions we have around
a particular wound. if it is a small wound we will have a small reaction to it. If it is
a deep wound we will have a strong reaction to it. If it is a deep wound it will take
more time and awareness to stay open when it is activated.

As we feel the feelings they decrease in intensity and eventually disappear.
Once the feelings are resolved there is nothing driving the defense mechanism
any more and so it is much easier to let it go and open to receiving what we want
in our lives.

Slowly is Holy
One of the keys is to go slowly. We do not go to the gym and start lifting the big
weights. So when you are working on healing a wound like this yo need to be
very kind and gentle to yourself. So many of us have unreasonably high
expectations that cause us a lot of misery. It is important to always acknowledge
that we are doing the best we can at this moment, even though we could do
better in the future.

Compassion helps
Once you realise and own that you are defending yourself against getting what
you want as a way of protecting yourself, it is a lot easier to be kind and gentle
with your reactivity. It is only a small step to get that your partner is also doing
this. They are both longing for something from you and afraid of getting it.
Understanding this can help us to not take personally our partners defense
mechanisms and assist us to be there with them in a less reactive and more
gentle and compassionate way - Compassion means seeing someone is in pain
and wanting to help.

How can I help?
Asking 'How can I help?' is one of the best ways to respond to your partner when
they are in a state of crisis. It is an invitation to them to reach out and hold your
outstretched hand without taking their power away.

Ultimatley empowerment comes from asking ourselves:
"In what ways do I stop people from loving me?" Try sharing your answers with
your partner and watch the magic happen.