Why are Mens Groups important?

by Nicholas de Castella

I thought I would share my understandings about why I think it is important for men to do some personal development work with other men.

Let me preface this article by saying that I used to run only mixed healing groups with the argument that when you get down to it men's and women's pain, grief and anger is more or less the same. In the ten years I have been facilitating men’s groups all that has changed and I have found that there is often a lot of value in going to places I don’t ‘normally’ visit.

I’d lie to begin by telling you a true story:

I was sitting near the back of the plane on a recent flight from Sydney to Melbourne. By the time the hostess distributing magazines reached me she only had a choice of three. On glancing through them a Men's Health magazine caught my attention...

As I asked for the magazine I felt a wave of embarrassment spread across my face. I held it in my hands and wondered about the cleanliness of a used 'men's magazine'. Shameful associations with porno books flooded my mind and I felt a little repulsed. I braced a little, opened the magazine and began reading.

I vividly remember the first article I read. It was a review of the current features in the major women's magazines just in case your 'woman started acting strangely'. As I read on my interest began rising. I was beginning to like the angle that the magazine was coming from. With some sense of relief I laughed openly at the humorous articles. My wife asked what was I laughing at and I told her it was 'men's business'. Very soon I discovered that I was interested in almost every item in the magazine. This was an unexpected discovery for me. I realised that I was used to seeing women's magazines in which I would only be interested in the occasional story. A strange thing was occurring: there was a sense of recognition and belonging happening. I felt a sense of pride at being part of the male race. I read the entire magazine, cover to cover and reluctantly gave it back at the end of my flight - deciding to subscribe for myself.

As a counsellor and facilitator of men's workshops for 20 years, I have become increasingly aware of the need for healing the confusion and shame that many men face today. Women have had their revolution and now it's the men's turn.

Almost every day I talk with men who are struggling to understand what it means to be a man, battling with a sense of emptiness and the challenge of finding contentment in the 21st century. Many men are questioning the role they are playing in their family and work life and are seeking to discover a sense of happiness, but not sure how. By providing an open forum for the discussion of men's issues, men's groups have assisted me to develop a clearer definition of myself as a man and to love myself more fully.


Here are some of the reasons why I think men’s work is important:
(Most of these benefits apply equally to women’s groups)

Self-Acceptance
Many of us (men and women) base our self-worth on being accepted and approved of by our opposite gender. This puts our self-esteem in an extremely vulnerable position.

Through sharing and working with other men who are willing to open up and speak honestly about their lives we start to get a feel for what it means to be a man. We begin to define ourselves not in relation to women but in relation to men that we admire and respect as role models. This is very empowering as it gives us a sense of solidity within ourselves.

Our sense of being a man, based on our experiences with other men cannot be taken away by a woman’s disapproval. This confidence in who we are empowers us to be honest and open in our relationships and to live a life of truth and integrity - Great ingredients for the creation of strong, loving relationships.

Appreciation
Only through understanding the differences between men and women can we stop competing and start appreciating, respecting and honouring, each gender for its own strengths.

Men and women are clearly different. They have different values, ways of being, priorities and methods of communicating. John Gray has risen to fame teaching couples to understand and respect the differences. David Deida's work has grown in popularity and he puts it this way: The masculine essence is driven by a sense of mission whilst the feminine essence is seeking the flow of love through family or intimate relationships. Whilst we each have mix of masculine and feminine essences, men tend to express more strongly the masculine essence and women tend to express more strongly the feminine essence.

The three consequences of this are:
1.Men will not be truly happy trying to fulfil a woman's values and expectations (this is largely in regard to men sacrificing their mission for a relationship).
2.No woman will ever fully understand a man's dilemmas (and visa versa).
3.No man is going to fully understand his own nature through the company of women. (A man needs to experience the mirroring of his own masculine essence to know himself as a man [the same is true for woman and feminine essence]).

Men’s groups are an opportunity for men to experience the full, undiluted masculine energy in a supportive and honouring way.

Validation
By men meeting and sharing openly and honestly about the issues we face we start to get a picture of the kinds of things men hold as important. Some common interests are: finances, providing for the family, not losing oneself in worldly concerns or in trying to make others happy, building connections in relationships especially with partners and children, cultivating a sense of self worth through values, authenticity, finding passion in work and sex.

Men’s groups assist men to understand how to appropriately respond to life’s challenges from a mans perspective - Men’s Emotional Intelligence, if you like.

A strong container
Men’s groups offer a strong container for men to ‘take the lid off their feelings’. Many men fear the monster within and so do their female associates. In a men's circle there is plenty of depth and strength to meet each man in his fullness.

Develop real male friendships
Men are notorious for developing close connections with their wives and children and not building a social network outside of the family environment. In times of stress, especially in marriage break downs, they consequently have very little network to rely on for support.

One of the highlights of the men's work I have done has been the development of real, honest friendships with other men whom I can trust and rely upon to keep me grounded and on track. I have several friends who would tell me straight if they thought that I was wallowing in self pity or looking at things from too narrow a perspective and I value their truth highly.

Here are 11 steps men can to take to embrace their manhood

1.Stop looking to mum (and other women) for approval
2. Stop looking to dad (and other men) for authority
3.Find honour in manhood - find healthy role models
4.Develop 'Emotional Mastery'
5.Make real male friendships
6.Identify our deepest purpose and live it
7. Continue to take risks and grow
8.Engage actively in our relationships
9.Free the 'Wild Man' within
10.Find sacredness in our sexuality
11.Rekindle a sense of playfulness and humour


Men Empowering Men
I have discovered unexpected and important gifts when travelling realms outside my ordinary path. Men's work was one of these realms. If you are looking for answers then I highly encourage you to broaden your horizons and take a risk to seek out a men's support network in your area.

Sadly, many men fear the idea of getting together with men they do not know. This is testimony to both how distrusting we are of our own gender and how much we need to heal our manhood. The world desperately needs more men who have opened their hearts, connected to their feelings and rediscovered the strength and the honour of being MEN!