What is Emotional Intelligence?
by Nicholas de Castella
“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional intelligence or E.Q.(Emotional Quotient), is considered as our Street smart ability. Our capacity to tune in to, manage and direct our feelings in positive, creative and supportive ways to achieve success and happiness. It is also our capacity to get along with others.
The Evolution of Emotional Intelligence?
In the 1980’s John Mayer and Peter Salovey first proposed the idea of ‘Emotional Intelligence’. In 1985 Reuvon Bar-On designed a measure of emotional intelligence called ‘E.Q.’ . In 1996 Danial Goleman’s landmark book ‘Emotional Intelligence’ convincingly proposed that our emotions (not our cognitive skills) affect our level of relationship satisfaction, health and happiness and effectiveness in life. “What really matters for success, character, happiness and life long achievements is a definable set of emotional skills - your E.Q. - not just purely cognitive abilities that are measured by conventional I.Q. tests.”
At the Institute of Heartmath in California it has been shown that when the heart and mind are synchronised we function at our best: we feel peace, perform at our peak, relate better to others and experience optimal health. By gaining access to ‘heart wisdom’ we can acquire valuable solutions that the mind would not consider.
A whole new world
For me, the most exciting thing about Emotional Intelligence is that it opens a doorway to a whole new world. When we experience our world through our feelings we understand more clearly why we think the way we do, why we act the way we do and why get the results we get. It opens us to more inner peace, love, happiness and gratitude for being alive.
Emotion: The missing piece of the puzzle
Emotional Intelligence is the missing peice of the puzzle that helps us to heal and live effective and happy lives. Without Emotional Intelligence skills we are living our lives like a 4 cylinder car that has been running on 3 cylinders. Once we develop Emotional Intelligence our lives continue to get better and better, more and more enjoyable, successful and fulfilling. We still have challenges but are much better equiped to not only cope with the challenges, but actually use the challeneges to become better men and women.
The Four Pillars of Emotional Intelligence
At this time there is no universal definition of the aspects of Emotional Intelligence, but after working with people in this field for the last 20 years I find the following four areas useful to identify:
1. Self Awareness / Understanding
Recognise, understand and articulate our thoughts, feelings and wants
2. Self Acceptance / Authenticity
Feeling alive, connected and at ease in ourselves
3. Self Control / Self Empowerment
Taking charge of our life by managing and directing our attitudes and emotions.
4. Emotionally Intelligent Relationships
Inspiring, motivating and connecting with others in healthy and caring ways.
1. Self Awareness / Understanding
Being in touch with ourselves enables us to making better decisions and taking greater control of our behaviour by: Firstly becoming more aware of what is happening within us (Identifying what we are feeling, why and what to do about it) and then consciously choosing our responses (rot reacting unconsciously).
Aspects of Self-awareness and Self-understanding
Tuning in and focusing our attention inside of ourselves
Ability to witness our thoughts and feelings
Understand the origins of our thoughts and how to track back to their source
Understanding the nature of emotion and the difference between emotions and heart qualities
Recognise characteristics, understand the cause and purpose of each emotion
Owning the aspects of ourselves we ‘project’ onto others
Understand how we filter and distort experience according to our past experiences
How to create Self Awareness and Self-understanding
Distinguish between thinking and feeling
Learning to drop the story and track the feelings underlying the thoughts
Understanding what emotion is.
Understanding the 6 primary emotions:
1. The causes of each emotion
2. The location and qualities of each emotion in the body
3. The good purposes of each emotion in our life
Cultivating Mindfulness: Our ability to maintain our consciousness in the present moment
2. Self Acceptance and Authenticity
Aspects of Self Acceptance and Authenticity
Feeling alive, connected and at ease in ourselves
Feeling the flow of energy in our bodies
At ease with our self ‘as we are’
Able to live in mystery
Showing on the outside what we feel on the inside (congruence)
Telling the truth about what we are thinking, feeling and wanting
Being inspired to do our best
Being motivated to continue to grow and be all that we can be
Self-soothing: Manage our own stress and anxiety by inducing feelings of peace, love and happiness
How to create Self Acceptance and Authenticity
Cultivate Self awareness and understanding
Shifting from thinking to feeling
Self validation: Dropping judgement and self f punishment
Healing toxic shame: through reconciliation and reconnecting with our innate innocence
Cultivating Presence: Our ability to keep our consciousness in the present moment and in our body
Learning to stay relaxed and open to our feelings
Developing a validating attitude to ourselves
Learning to feel, allow and facilitate the flow of energy in the body
Freeing ourselves from incomplete past experiences -practising mercy, forgiveness and compassion
Able to Heart Centre: Induce feelings of peace, love and happiness at will
3. Self Control / Self Empowerment:
Aspects of Self Empowerment
Ability to set goals that are in accordance with our highest aspirations
Ability to use emotion to motivate ourselves to achieve goals
Ability to initiate action towards achieving goals
Ability to use to the messages of our emotions for guidance and decision making
Ability to delay short term gratification for long term gain
Ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries and ask for what we want
Ability to achieve with ease and flow (without frustration and effort)
Ability to facilitate the flow of emotion through our body for healing and connection to ourselves
How to create Self Empowerment
Cultivate Self awareness and understanding
Cultivate Self acceptance and authenticity
Understand and take control of our interpretations, assumptions and judgements
Tonglen: How to stay present in your body with uncomfortable feelings
Integrity: Muster the courage to stay true to ourselves and face difficult situations
Emotional release: How to express our feelings in healthy and productive ways
Heart Dialogue: How to access ‘Heart Intelligence’ for problem solving
Heart Aspirations: How to access ‘Heart Intelligence’ for guidance and goal setting
Heart Manifesting: How to use our emotions to assist us in creating what we desire
Mission Statement: Have a clear sense of purpose in our lives
Personal Values: Identify and live according to our highest values
4. Emotionally Intelligent Relationships
Aspects of Emotionally Intelligent Relationships
Authenticity: Staying true to ourselves in relationships
Connecting with ourselves and others in caring ways
Honouring - Non-Shaming sharing: communicating in respectful and acknowledging ways
Empathetic sharing: Feeling the messages received and responding with feeling based messages.
Loving relationships: Creating deep, fulfilling, enjoyable and intimate relationships
Self assertion: managing anger in healthy ways
Managing fears and anxieties in relationships in healthy ways
Forgiveness: Resolving past hurts so we can move forward into
Co-operation: Motivating others to respond in ways that are consistent with our goals
Leadership: Inspiring others to their best
Cultivating Compassion: express appropriate care for the suffering of others
How to create Emotional Intelligent Relationships
Practice responsible communication styles
Appropriate Responses: Learn to respond rather than react
Empathetic sharing: feeling based expression and responses
Self Assertion: healthy expression and responses to anger
Non-shaming sharing: Respectful and validating self expression for connection and healing
Honouring: Use of praise and appreciation
Fighting fair: 4 step communication model
Understand and speak your partnes love language
Transcend ego and be of service to make the world a better place
The Price we pay for not develping Emotional Intelligence
1. Loss of energy – feelings of tiredness and fatigue.
2. Diminished quality of life.
3. Low self-esteem.
4. Loss of inner wisdom and guidance.
5. Pain, inner turmoil – loss of inner peace.
6. Relationship breakdowns and diminished capacity for intimacy.
7. Poor health – disease.
8. Diminished concentration span.
9. Physical discomfort and stiffness.
10. Violence and abuse.
The Benefits of Raising Emotional Intelligence
Energy, Joy and Enthusiasm for Life
• Open the flow of life force
• Release of blocks and 'stuckness'
• Reclaiming of innocence and playfulness
Inner Peace
• Experience greater inner peace and calmness
• Resolution of issues that cause stress and anxiety
• Release of grief and homecoming to peace and love
Success Consciousness
• Greater sense of being in command by mastering emotions
• Stronger sense of intuitive guidance
• Freedom from self sabotage and procrastination
• More clarity, direction and purpose in life
• Release from restrictive ‘victim’ patterns of behaviour
Greater Self-Love
• Experience of profound heart opening and love for self
• Healing of guilt, shame and resentment
• Fuller connection with and expression of the real self
Self Assertion
• Confidence to stand up for self
• Freedom to live the truth of who we are
• Express feelings more clearly and effectively
• Transform self-consciousness into self expression
• Overcome fear and master your anger
Deeper and Stronger Relationships
• Bring more of yourself into your relationships
• Development of communication and skills
• Release of limiting relationship fears
• Healing wounds and release of fear of intimacy
Enhanced Health and Well-being
• Gaining of practical skills for better health
• Decrease in stress related hormones
• Enhanced immune system functioning
• Pain management techniques and healing of old pain