SAYING SORRY, HEALING SHAME

by Nicholas de Castella

Last Tuesday the Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, issued an apology to
indigenous Australians for harm that has been done to them: “We apologise for
the laws and policies of successive Parliaments and governments that have
inflicted profound grief, suffering and loss on these our fellow Australians. ...we
say sorry”. (full exctract below). This is a healing for all Australians and for our
country.

It is also timely reminder to all of us to stop and consider our own shame. And
what we are doing about it.

It is so easy (in the short term) to stay in denial and justify our behaviour when
we have caused hurt, but this prevents healing from occurring and our hearts
from opening. We would rather stay stuck and powerless by thinking of ourselves
as victims (rather than perpetrators), but whilst we are human we are going to
make mistakes and hurt people. It is unavoidable.

Shame is a natural emotion that tells us that we have made a mistake. It is a
social emotion that helps us to live with respect. (You can read more about
Shame on my website in the article: The Anatomy of Shame).
The natural tendency when we are in shame is to put our head down, avoid eye
contact and hide - none of which is good prelude to success, happiness or loving
relationships.

The experience of extreme shame is numbness, fear and the feeling of
nothingness or emptiness.
Common thoughts (stories!) that go with shame are ‘I am a bad, wrong or
inadequate”, “I am not good enough”, “I am a failure” or “I am inadequate”.
The fear that we are shameful stops us from healing shame.
We believe these stories and fear that they will be more true if we acknowledge
our limitations - but the opposite is true.
Healing shame sets us free to be happy, successful, healthy and alive.

To Heal Shame when we make a mistake
1. Acknowledge: what we have done, or what has happened
2. Ownership: Accept responsibility for our part in it
3. Say ‘Sorry’: Comes from the word Sorrow (not I am wrong)
4. Make amends: do a make up: buy a gift, do an act of service...
5. Drop the stories: ‘I am a bad, wrong or inadequate”
6. Drop punishment: especially of ourselves - it does not help
7. Be compassionate, kind, understanding and gentle
8. Feel the feelings: often fear, remorse, sadness until peaceful
9. Forgiveness: It is human to err and divine to forgive
10. Let it go: Move forward using our mistakes to make us more humble, compassionate and available to love.

Who could you say sorry to?
What’s stopping you? What's it costing you?
Give it a go and see what happens.