Just be Yourself- Comparison cause suffering

by Nicholas de Castella

I received the following email today:

"Hi Nicholas
Can you send me some positive thoughts? I've started teaching the winter semester and took my first lecture today. I've worked on welcoming in the fear and self doubt but even though it was Ok I am scared that my blood pressure went up and its already too high. The previous lecturer is very charismatic and I am just normal. I really want to enjoy just being normal! But I feel very alone."

My response was as follows:

"Congratulations and thank you for reaching out when you are feeling alone.

One of our major causes of suffering is by making comparisons.

Making comparisons is a mental habit that assists us to feel bad about ourselves. This is because most of us compare ourselves to people we think are better than us (in the area we are comparing ourselves to). Body shape, confidence, charisma, sense of humour...

All comparisons are fantasies - they are not real.

We make them up in our mind. The truth is we just 'are' and others just 'are'. Only when we try to put ourselves alongside another person do we invent comparisons.

If we look at this from a Emotional Intelligence perspective then what is probably going is you are feeling embarrassed about showing up - feeling exposed if you will. This is a kind of fear that we all have some difficulty staying with. It is mostly a fear of the unfamiliar - i.e not inherently dangerous, just a new experience! - It could even be exciting even if we changed our attitude to it. An old friend and mentor in public speaking, 'Pete Croft', once said to me "The secret of enjoying your life is in learning to enjoy feeling embarrassed."

Anyway, back to the process... When we feel feelings that are intense they are uncomfortable and we split off into our heads and go into thinking rather than feeling. We then run a few stories in our heads and drag up a bit of evidence from the past (like making comparisons) that are driven by the fear. For example: "They must be really disappointed they got me" or "I must be looking like such a bore" - I am sure you know what I am talking about - We all have a small but favorite repertoire - boring even!

The problem is most of us are not Emotionally Intelligent enough to realise that we are making the stories up, and that they are simply us avoiding the feelings (we stopped breathing hours ago) and that they have NO intrinsic truth to them. Instead we buy into the stories and then feel even more embarrassed and uncomfortable and round we go...blank, um, arr, blank...

The solution has two parts:
1. Use the emotion to make you more animated!

Once you spot what is really going on then you can start working with what is true and real. i.e. drop the stories and comparisons and open to the feelings and shift our attitude so that we are focused on what we want to communicate and then let them have it (our full passion and enthusiasm for sharing what we love).

Instead of fighting the energy, trying to hold it down, just let yourself feel it and direct it into speaking louder, jumping around the room with passion and gusto ( - surely you wont be boring!). And you will have a lot of fun!

2. Develop a positive attitude to what you are doing.

I learnt a powerful lesson about this some years ago...

Shortly after I first started giving introduction talks (promoting seminars for a man who I held in very high esteem - because he was cooler and funnier than me) - I had a rude awakening.

The day after a seminar I had promoted I got a call from a man who had attended. He was not happy because I did not present the seminar myself.

It had never even entered my thoughts that anyone would prefer me over my highly esteemed leader!


I have come to realise that we all have particular combinations of a variety of personality traits and some people will connect better with some than others - no better or worse only different.


My advice: Be Yourself - get clear about what you stand for.

The answer then is to stop looking outside yourself.

Turn your focus on yourself and pracitise expressing yourself.

The shift of focus is from 'What will they be thinking about me' to 'What's the message I want to share'

Rather than worrying about the effect the students are having on you, turn your attention to the effect you want to have on them (i.e. inspire them).


Then you will see that teaching is just expressing what is important to you - a sharing of enthusiasm.


There are some really important questions that will help you to feel less frightened and more passionate.

Please answer the following questions:

Why do I like to teach?

What do I get the most enjoyment from when I teach?

What is the main message I want my students to get?

What principles do I stand for?

What qualities do I value in myself?

What do I want to project from my persona in my classes?

What am I most passionate about in relation to this subject?

What do I love about it, what am I most enthusiastic about it?

What effect do I want my students to get from my class?


Useful affirmations:

What other people think about me is none of my business.

Self Expression
I have got something really important to share.

Embracing
This is my life and I am going to find a way to enjoy every part of it.
I enjoy sharing my passion with others.

Self Acceptance
I love and accept myself exactly as I am.

Disarming
I am willing to be rejected.

Humorous:
There are people in a lot worse (more painful) situations than this.


Let me know how you get on...