HOW TO CATCH A FALLING WOULD BE A STAR

by Nicholas de Castella

Last Thursday I was listening to Venero Armanno, author of ‘The Dirty Beat’,
being interviewed on radio. He was talking about how he had been a rock singer
in a band in his twenties and nearly made it to success. But there came a day
wen he had to face it, he was never going to be a rock star. He went on to work
as a salesman for a computer company and try to come to terms with his
unrealised dreams and explore how to reinvent himself.
I related to his story because that is more or less what I experienced in my
athletic career. I put everything into being a world class athlete. Though I
represented Australia in 4 world cross country events I never reached my
ambitions of making it to the Olympics or Commonwealth Games. Even though
my best marathon was the tenth fastest by any Australian, at the time I felt
disappointed as I had higher expectations.
Though many of my peers think I did very well, I still feel some shame, slightly
embarrassed that I put so much into it but did not achieve my ambitions. 
Unfulfilled dreams
I wonder if you have had similar experiences of having had some kind of dream
that was never fulfilled. Maybe you have had a dream project that failed, a career
prospect that never blossomed, a loving relationship that didn’t go any where, a
farm that was foreclosed on, a child that died, a marriage that ended, a family
that broke down...
Venero was saying that his book was about how to find meaning in his life after
his unfulfilled rock dreams ended.
Whilst I am sure most top athletes would have some kind of a dream left
unfulfilled (for example my brother Rob never got an Olympic  gold medal) I think
there are deeper issues present here.

I think that much of the time I mistakenly believed that I would ‘be a somebody’ if
I achieved a certain status. If I performed I was somehow more worthwhile. This
was heightened at the Australian Institute of Sport where the was a tendency to
value people on how they were performing. Most people wanted to associate
with the people who were running well. 
Luckily I did have a few mates in Canberra who were as much focused on having
a good time as they were on performing at an elite level.

The question is ‘how do I reinvent myself?’
This is a work in progress. Here are some of the answers I have come up with so
far. Let me know if you also have some ideas:

We have to grieve the loss of the dream
There is no other way through this than to feel and acknowledge the loss of the
hopes and dreams. Change happens when we feel what is. In a strange way I
can see that I have not fully grieved my past (even though it was nearly 20 years
ago) and have consequently been still attached to it.  I can now see that the
feelings of not being totally successful have been present in what I have been
doing in my life.
This whole topic  has only come to my awareness clearly this week and I am kind
of hoping that in reflecting, writing and feeling about it I shall move forward
towards coming fully to terms with this part of my past.

I am loved unconditionally as I am
My two boys Charles (6) and Alexander (4) are my greatest teachers. They help
me to realign my values by showing me what is real: I can come home from
working in the office wondering where the day went and if I achieved very much
of significance, feeling a little low, open the door and be rushed almost off my
feet with enthusiastic  shouts of “mum dad’s home!”. The boys just love me and
think I am fabulous because I am their dad! They just love me for who I am not
what I do. 

These days I practice looking inside for answers
I also work at establishing my sense of who I am based upon what is within
rather than outside me. When I live in the present moment and practice
connecting to my heart I can feel that I am a peaceful, whole and loving being. I
know this is more real than any ‘stories’ about being a success or failure I may
run in my head.

For me it is also about values.
It comes down to where my values are. In the old days my values were in
achieving, in getting recognition and acknowledgement.

Today whether I feel good about myself is about what do I value about who I am
and am I living up to those values. For example some of my values for myself are
that I am a kind, gentle, compassionate, honest, caring, sincere, forgiving, helpful
and caring man. When I live according to these values I feel good about myself.
When I am falling short I need to draw more on the gentleness and compassion
for myself.

There are gems in the ordinary
I fell into a very seductive trap of wanting to be special - not ordinary. I assumed
that if I ‘made it’ that some how I would be happy and contented. The evidence of
super stars behaviour is contrary to this, but I was not that logical!
I think nobody wants to be ordinary, but trying to be special is fraught with misery
and unhappiness. 

Trying to be special is subtly saying that I am less than OK the way I am
There is a subtle invalidation of what ‘is’ when we constantly seek the special.
We are often waiting for that magic moment, that big bang, that high that is going
to change us forever. Peak experiences are not sustainable and not where
happiness lies.

As long as we believe that ‘I am not good enough’, we shall appear that way.
In relentlessly pursuing peak experiences and trying to live up to some fantasy
ideal of 'how I should be' we tend to discredit how we are in this moment
because we are not living up to our fantasy expectations. The critical mind can
always find fault if it looks. 

I am is as good as I get
If we start from a different presumption we can have quite a different experience. 
If we assume that ‘this is it’, that ‘this moment is as good as it gets’ and 'I am who
I am', then we start viewing what is happening on an entirely different basis. We
start actively looking for what is good and right about ourselves. We accept
where we are right now. We see problems as challenges for us to grow. We see
what is perfect about the moment and the many things that are always present to
be thankful for.
We cease trying to make ourselves the best ever and instead we start working on
making the best of how we are in this moment.
I am not arguing for mediocrity
That’s not mediocrity - its the acceptance of the uniqueness present in the
ordinary. The fact is that when we make this shift in our perspective we realise
just how wonderful and excellent life really is.
The normal and ordinary are rich with wonder

When we become intimate with the present, ordinary moment it reveals a rich
tapestry of life unfolding in quite a wonderful way. The smallest things start
having tremendous significance and we find beauty in things we never could
have thought were beautiful. And it offers us a sustainable and achievable
access to happiness and contentment.
From this perspective it is easy to see that we do indeed have a precious human
life and are blessed to take each breath and share each moment here on earth.
I hope my suffering has been of use to you.
I wish  you a perfectly, happy ordinary day.